Once Upon A Timeless
by Speaker for the Dead aka 17
Summary: Conclusion: NEVER lock two bored 18-year-olds in a room at 3 a.m. armed only with a computer equipped with Worms and Word. The results can be... dire. (Done by me and my friend, 15 of 26


Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess locked in a tower

**Once Upon a Timeless**

**By the BOORRREEED Collective at 3am**

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess locked in a tower. Her name was **Tiny. And indeed, she was tiny. In fact, she was so tiny that the tower she was locked in was the size of a matchbox. This princess had been locked in the matchbox-tower because… ****the evil Dr. Chaotica had put her there. He was evil, as his name suggested. As a matter of fact, Tiny hadn't always been tiny. She was once big, but he'd shrunk her with his Super-Shrink-O-Metric which he and Satan's Robot had cooked up.****So this princess was all lonely in her matchbox-tower wishing for someone to come release her from her prison when along came her rescuer, a pukedashing and handsome/puke fellow by the name of Proton. He ****nearly stepped on the matchbox-tower but luckily looked down in time because his laces were untied. When he saw the matchbox-tower, he exclaimed, "Are those _really matches that I see? Wow! The last box was made in the mid twenty-first century, and they can only be found in the Smithsonian Institute now." _****So he picked up the matchbox-tower and shook it around to see if there were any matches inside, while the poor princess Tiny got very bruised and cried out. **

In the meantime, Tuvok was walking down a long dark corridor, holding a torch, because all the lights had gone out. He was searching for a missing person. **He didn't really know who the person he was looking for was, he was just looking for someone. "I'm a lost, lonely Vulcan," he whined. "Won't anybody talk to me?" Hearing that, a little Talaxian called Neelix who was hiding in a corner perked up and came forward. "I'll talk to you," he said. "I'll be your friend." ****Tuvok then extended a hand to him and Neelix gave him a banana. Tuvok peeled the banana and shared it with Neelix, and together the two set off in search of the mysterious someone whom they did not know they were looking for.**

Meanwhile **Seven was walking along another dark corridor when she suddenly emerged into light and saw that she was in a huge cavernous space. Without realizing it, she had walked into Chaotica's lair****and the first thing she saw was Proton shaking a matchbox that appeared to be squeaking and she ran over, grabbed his arm, and yelled, "Stop it! There's someone in there! Why isn't Kincaid with you? _He would know better than to go around shaking unidentified matchboxes." Hearing that, Proton stopped shaking the box and opened it to see who the person was. _****Unfortunately the poor princess Tiny had fainted and was lying in a corner of her matchbox-tower unconscious. Seven hit Proton. "Now look at what you've done! We'd better bring her to the Doctor at once." And so saying, they headed off in search of the Doctor.**

**On the way, they bumped into Tuvok and Neelix who had finished eating the banana and had progressed on to a grapefruit, and told them they had to get the tiny princess to the Doctor. So Tuvok said that he heard that the Doctor, who was a very wise man, lived in a big green palace in the middle of a green city, and maybe he'd be able to help the tiny princess. ****"Maybe that's who we're looking for," he said.**

**Meanwhile, somewhere else, the real person he was looking for was hacking his way through a thick forest. He was a gagbrave and noble/gag knight on a quest to find a beautiful princess to fall in love with. Where he came from, they called him the Tattooed Wonder. ****He walked a little further and tripped on something purple and polka-dotted and fell face first into a bog. Unfortunately for the Tattooed Wonder, the purple polka-dotted thingey was a Portkey, and he was teleported in front of the motley crew looking for the green city. ****So they walked and they walked and they walked and finally stumbled upon an indigo-bricked road.**

So they followed the lavender brick road and presently they came upon a young woman brandishing a big curving blade. "I'm looking for my honor," she said, "but I seem to have misplaced it. Could you help me?" And then Tuvok said, "We're all going to see the Doctor in the big green city. Maybe he can help you." And the young woman agreed. "Maybe he can send me on a metaphysical trip to hell so that I can ponder about the ramifications about it and go through some serious character development and leave the audience feeling confused." 

**So they further followed the violet-bricked road and bumped into Naomi, who seemed to be looking for something. "Will you help me find some kid gloves? Then I can make this poor princess who's stuck in a matchbox bigger again". "You mean _this one?" Seven held up the tiny matchbox. "That's the one!" exclaimed Naomi. "Then you may come with us," said Proton, "for we are going to the Doctor to do just that." So Naomi joined them, and the Tattooed Wonder offered to carry the tiny matchbox for them._**

**_"Curiouser and Curiouser…" Neelix was heard to mutter, but everyone ignored him and they again moved forward when the Tattooed Wonder again fell in a bog. The tiny matchbox also landed in the bog, and all the boggy water woke the princess up. So she told them her tale. "The evil Dr. Chaotica put a spell on me," she said. "If only I could find true love's kiss, then would I regain my memory and full size," she said. "But how will any prince be able to find a tiny princess locked up in a matchbox-tower?"_**

**Everyone was in tears over the poor princess' story, even Tuvok, though he claimed boggy water had flown into his eye and looked daggers at the Tattooed Wonder who had gotten up and who again fell into the bog in fright. The princess laughed at that, even though she was soaking in boggy water, because she found the Tattooed Wonder so amusing. ****Suddenly they heard a large crash in the distance and the cracking of tree branches, when a distinctly odd-shaped vehicle came skidding into the bog… Proton jumped up. "That's my rocket ship!" he exclaimed. "Buster was supposed to have been _looking after it, the idiot!" As if on cue, Buster Kincaid came stumbling out into the bog, all bedraggled and scruffy. _****"Uh. Hi?" He said uncertainly as he saw the rather large group standing around a very soggy Tattooed Wonder. "We're going to look for the Doctor to help the princess and this young Warrior woman," Seven told him. "You are welcome to come along with us." So they headed off again, staying FAR away from any bogs for the sake of the Tattooed Wonder. ****"I don't suppose he could get me a new set of clothes as well?" He commented, looking at his drenched state. "The Doctor will help you," said Naomi, and they walked on.**

The group was nearing a new area of land now. **One that looked dark and foreboding, where the canopy of trees closed up overhead so that it was all they could do not to stumble over their own feet. Which the Tattooed Wonder did, many times over, knocking the tiny princess around a great deal. "****Here, I'll take that," Proton said and promptly tripped and fell into a mysterious anomaly which had opened up in space-time, and he landed hard on his bottom. The rest of the group peered into the round hole carved into space-time with guarded interest as the Tattooed Wonder picked himself up and promptly dropped the tiny princess in with Proton. "Princess!" he cried out in horror and dived in after her. ****The rest of the group thought _oh well, seems like a good idea and jumped in after them. _**

They found themselves staring in awe at the huge city made of sparkling green glass. They had landed on top of a tall hill at the edge of the city, overlooking it. Green stretched all the way to the horizon. "Well, maybe we'll find this wonderful Doctor now," said Kincaid. **The Tattooed Wonder took a step forward, tripped on another PortKey and the whole group was instantly transported to stand in front of a giant gate. In awe and supplication, they all fell on their knees before the great green gate, except for the tiny princess because she couldn't see past the bulk of the Tattooed Wonder's rear. ****"Who goes there?", a voice asked.**

They all jumped up and turned to see an blond elfin girl in long pinkish-purple leggings standing at the gate. "Are you to take us to the Doctor?" asked the young warrior woman. "Why do you wish to see the Doctor?" the girl asked of them. "We want to help this poor princess and this young lady," said Neelix. "Will you take us to him?" And the elfin girl said, "Certainly. But first, you must help me do one thing."

**"You must bring me something I've been looking for for a long time… the Holy Grenade of the Order Invertebra!"**

"What the *BEEP* is that?" asked Proton, earning a nip on the ear from the tiny princess for being rude. **"Well, it's about this size and smooth and white and-"**

Just then the most astounding thing happened. A round white something came careening out of the sky and crashed into the gate. It lay against the floor for a few seconds, then a loud chorus of"Hallelujah!" was heard. Then it blew a huge smoking crater into the floor and the gate.

A worm promptly poked a head out of the floor, uttered "Uh-oh," flopped over, turned blue and blew up, leaving in its place a tiny bouncing gravestone.

The girl looked behind her and said, "_That."_

The Tattooed Wonder looked at her like she was crazy, yelled, "Are you crazy?" and charged headfirst into the hole left by the Holy Grenade. **The rest of the group stayed there, stunned for a few seconds, then charged in right after him, leaving the girl to gaze at the bouncing gravestone. **

And they were in the big green city. Armed with a pilfered city map, they set out to find the Doctor. **They followed the map's directions, over hill and under dale until they were standing in the hallway of a very large, ornately decorated building. This was the Doctor's palace. They were ushered down to the throne room.**

And finally they all stood before the Doctor, seated high in his throne of emeralds. They all bowed down in reverence, even the tiny princess, because this time Proton was _in front of the Tattooed Wonder.**The Doctor boomed. "What is the explanation for this unexpected visit?" **_

"We want to help this poor princess," said Tuvok. "The evil Dr. Chaotica has shrunk her and taken away her memories. Can you help her find her true love, who will break the spell put upon her by Chaotica?"

"And could you help me find my honor?" asked the young warrior woman.

"And help me find a beautiful princess to fall in love with?" asked the Tattooed Wonder.

"And a kid glove to help the princess?"

**"And I hope this isn't too much… but a new set of clothes would be nice."**

**"I'm a Doctor, not a wish-granter!" The Doctor boomed. "However, I do believe I can help this lovely princess." He gestured to the Tattooed Wonder. "Knight, your lady awaits you." Realizing the truth of his words, the Tattooed Wonder kissed the tiny princess. The room was filled with a wondrous light as Chaotica's spell was broken and the full-sized princess remembered her name. "Kathryn," she said. "My name is Kathryn."**

"Young warrior, you already have honor within your heart. Kincaid, you lousy poof, if you want new clothes go replicate them and not be like a _certain emperor that I know of. Naomi, you don't need kid gloves any longer, and besides you'll outgrow them within the year. There, everyone happy now?"_

"Can we have more bananas?" asked Neelix and Tuvok together. With a sigh the Doctor dropped a tonne of bananas on them.

**And they alllived happily ever after…**

… until the red alert sounded. The Doctor rolled his eyes, stood up, straightened his uniform and brushed aside the crowds of fawning supplicants. "Computer, end program." And he walked out of the holodeck. "Geez, the things a hologram has to do these days just to get a little appreciation…" he shook his head. "Next time I'll just make it easier and drop an air strike on all of them."

**The End.**

***huge cluster bomb lands on story and blasts it into the ocean. Water way to go, Word!***


End file.
